Politics | Points in Case https://www.ygggy.com Enlightening & Irreverent Comedy Wed, 14 Apr 2021 11:23:58 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.6.4 List: 15 Ways to Make the Filibuster More Painful https://www.ygggy.com/lists/15-ways-to-make-the-filibuster-more-painful Wed, 14 Apr 2021 14:31:07 +0000 https://www.ygggy.com/?p=83942 “The filibuster should be painful, it really should be painful and we've made it more comfortable over the years. … Maybe it has to be more painful.”
—Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV)


1. The “Talking” Filibuster — The filibustering senator would be required to speak during the duration of the filibuster. Once the senator can speak no longer, the filibuster ends.

2. The “Dancing” Filibuster — Like a 24 hour dance-a-thon, the filibustering senator must be dancing the entire time. Unlike a 24 hour dance-a-thon, no money is given to charity at the end.

3. The “Truth or Dare” Filibuster –Any senator voting to sustain a filibuster must complete EITHER a Truth OR a Dare. (Senators may not be dared to stop filibustering BUT it is fair game to ask a senator who they like.)

4. The “Jeans” Filibuster — Same vote total requirements as we currently have, but you aren’t allowed to vote to sustain a filibuster unless you’re wearing jeans.

5. The “Life of Pi” Filibuster — The filibustering senator must survive a trip across the ocean in a small raft with a tiger. Also known as the “Calvin and Hobbes” filibuster.

6. The “Taboo” Filibuster — The Supreme Court creates a list of “no-no words.” One designated senator is given a buzzer. If a filibustering senator says a no-no word, the senator with the buzzer gets to hit the buzzer. They can also hit the buzzer during other times, such as whenever else they want to hit it.

7. The “Calling Your Mom a Bitch” Filibuster — If 41 senators do this at least one time, the vote is delayed for a fortnight, or until their moms make them leave Washington to apologize.

8. The “Question Master” Filibuster — The wisest and/or sneakiest senator in the chamber becomes the “question master.” If this senator asks another Senator a question, they must answer with another question. If someone accidentally answers a question from the question master, the bill passes automatically.

9. The “Bloomin’ Onion” Filibuster — Sponsored by Outback Steakhouse, this reform would require the filibustering senator to eat one (1) Outback Steakhouse Bloomin’ Onion every hour to delay the cloture process. If the senator throws up, the bill in question will automatically pass.

10. The “2-for-1 Special” Filibuster — The youngest senator and the oldest senator give their speeches at the same time really loudly and they have to look at each other the whole time and if they laugh at all then the filibuster is over.

11. The “Home Alone” Filibuster — One senator from the opposing party spills a big bag of marbles all over the senate floor. The filibustering senator should probably watch their step.

12. The “Home Alone 2” Filibuster — The filibustering senator is sent to New York.

13. The “Ugly Baby” Filibuster — An objectively ugly baby will be brought to the senate floor. The filibustering senator must give the baby ten (10) legitimate compliments every hour to delay the cloture process.

14. The “Trader Joe’s” Filibuster — Only senators who brought their own bags are permitted to hold the floor.

15. The “Borat” Filibuster — Do the voice.

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I’m Not a Bad Person, I’m a Performance Artist https://www.ygggy.com/articles/im-not-a-bad-person-im-a-performance-artist Sun, 11 Apr 2021 17:00:00 +0000 https://www.ygggy.com/?p=83727 If I failed in this life then it is purely because our society is designed for artists like myself to do so. What may appear to be a lifetime of poor decision-making and selfish acts has actually been one long piece of satire designed at taking down the entire system. Allow me to explain.

You see, when I was fired from my job at Target for stealing money out of the register, it was actually a clever commentary on American capitalism. Quite subtle, I know. And ditto for the pair of dockers and Friends t-shirt they caught me with on the way out. The dockers were a very clever jab at the state of the modern workforce and shirt, a take on toxic fandom of course. Assume that whenever I’m caught stealing, or have been caught in the past, that I’m attempting to make a grander point about some injustice or infallibility in our nation.

My blatant, and incredibly vocal, refusal to pay taxes and my battle with the IRS that followed was, you guessed it, another big charade aimed at taking down a sleeping giant. What may appear to some to be an aging white guy throwing a fit outside of an H&R Block has actually been me parodying the modern American man’s love/hate relationship with Uncle Sam. My indictment by grand jury on tax charges and time served should illustrate my overall commitment to the work. Did Rembrandt ever go to jail for his art? Didn’t think so.

The countless affairs, a critique on monogamy and my refusal to pay child support, a play on the postmodern helicopter parent. While my ex-wives and children may not fully comprehend the totality of my work, they can’t help but respect it, despite what they may say publicly and privately.

The increasingly bizarre, and borderline dangerous, ramblings posted on my Wix blog site do not represent my actual thoughts on the state of American politics, but I’ll assume you already knew that. All those who actually take the time to actually read my posts understand that I am lampooning the two-party system, and doing so with great effect. My time spent at various MAGA rallies and the countless donations I’ve made to help Republicans get elected in local races serves as further evidence of my sly and biting satire. I’m doing character work at the absolute highest level.

The laundry list of DUI’s and open intoxication charges that I’ve obtained over the years should be strictly viewed as an indictment on the alcohol industry. That I was caught breaking into a brewery in Kalamazoo, Michigan, to steal entire kegs of beer was, of course, intentional on my part. That break-in was a calculated attempt to take down Big Alcohol and showcase the arrogance of major corporations when it comes to their weak security measures. I also think I might have been trying to say something about the minimum wage. I can’t remember.

What you view as a lifetime of failure has, in fact, been a lifetime of public advocacy and art. Books will be written about me in the future and statues erected in my honor throughout the country. But until that time, I will continue on with my mission and remain steadfast in exposing all phonies and posers. Few greats are recognized for their achievements whilst still achieving them, but I have little doubt that my work will be remembered hundreds of years from now. School lessons, perhaps even entire units, will be taught in classrooms across the country chronicling those stolen Target brand dockers and that Friends t-shirt.

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List: Anagrams of Media Outlets That Reveal Their Sinister 420-Friendly Agenda, According to Newsmax’s Greg Kelly https://www.ygggy.com/lists/anagrams-of-media-outlets-that-reveal-their-sinister-420-friendly-agenda-according-to-newsmaxs-greg-kelly Fri, 02 Apr 2021 14:31:21 +0000 https://www.ygggy.com/?p=83558

SMOKING WEED (aka GRASS) is NOT a good idea. I’ve tried it (back in the day) and it was WORSE than anything that happened to HUNTER BIDEN. I “toked up” with some buddies in Kentucky and woke up 4 days later in Nairobi, Kenya. With no idea what happened. DON’T DO DRUGS.

Greg Kelly (@gregkellyusa) March 31, 2021

Huffington Post – Puff Tons Tonight

National Public Radio – Purloin Botanical Aid

The Boston Globe – Bongs Be the Tool

Daily Beast – Stay, Dab, Lie

The New York Times – Work: ‘Tis the Enemy

CounterPunch – THC? Run, Pounce!

Washington Monthly – Town Man Not High? Sly

The Hollywood Reporter – Horror: To Pelt Holy Weed

Mediaite – Idea Time

Washington Post – Stashing Pot Now

The New Yorker – Reek, Thy Owner

The American Spectator – Spare the Tame Narcotic

Alternet – Late Rent

National Review – Anti One Evil War

The New York Post – Pro-Toke… Went Shy

Common Dreams – Mom's Mode = Narc

The Associated Press – Shared Pot Ecstasies

The New Republic – Epic Blunt? Where?

The Progressive Magazine – Reggae’s Hazier Tone Is MVP

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More Unabridged Readings with Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson https://www.ygggy.com/articles/more-unabridged-readings-with-wisconsin-senator-ron-johnson Wed, 10 Mar 2021 13:00:00 +0000 https://www.ygggy.com/?p=82755 “With President Biden’s nearly $2 trillion stimulus bill moving toward passage, Senator Ron Johnson brought proceedings to a halt on Thursday by demanding that Senate clerks recite the 628-page plan word by word.” —“Action on Stimulus Bill Halts as Senate Clerks Read All 628 Pages Aloud” The New York Times, March 4, 2021

Hi there! We’re here to tell you about an exciting new way to make your events un-for-gettable. It’s called the Ron Johnson Read-Aloud (the RJRA for short), and it’s the hottest new trend in curated social experiences.

For a very reasonable fee, Ron Johnson will attend your next event and demand that the lowest-paid people in the room read voluminous texts aloud and to completion. You’re probably thinking, “Oh … my … God … FUN!” We know, right. Let’s look at some of the many times in your life where a RJRA could really spice things up.

Weddings

Wish your wedding day would never end? With Ron Johnson’s help, it almost won’t. Don’t choose just a handful of readings for your ceremony. “Love is patient,” so your Great Aunt Myrtle will now be reading the whole Bible, cover to cover, with all the weird, cringe-worthy stuff receiving equal airtime. How can you possibly expect your marriage to last if you don’t know who begat Booz of Rachab? It was Salmon. (Coincidentally, “salmon” will also be the most-spoiled dinner entrée when you finally make it to the wedding reception.)

Annual Checkups

Don’t you just hate it when you have to wait an hour in your doctor’s office and then, when you finally get in to see her, the whole appointment lasts only five minutes. Well not anymore, friend! Ron Johnson will accompany you to your next routine physical and insist that a member of the custodial staff recite Gray’s Anatomy from table of contents through index and then, just to be safe, perform all of the scripts from 17 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy as a one-man show. So what if Mrs. McCluskey has gone into cardiac arrest in the waiting room. By the time you’re done with this RJRA experience, you’ll practically be your own doctor.

Dinners Out

Nothing says romance like gazing lovingly into your partner’s eyes for hours while the tween busboy at Applebee’s serenades you with the ingredients and nutrition facts for every item on their menu. For a premium, Ron Johnson will hover next to your table and make sure that minimum-wage late bloomer doesn’t skip a single highly-processed beat. As an added bonus, this option has proven especially popular with dieters.

Christmas

Sure, Santa’s made his list and checked it twice, but has he made non-union elf laborers read it out loud from “Aaron” to “Zoey”? Don’t worry. Your children will love receiving nothing in December and then a small, unwrapped piece of coal delivered sometime the following August. If you schedule far enough in advance, Ron Johnson will be in your living room on Augustmas® morning, standing next to your long-decrepit Douglas fir, ready to extol the virtues of coal by forcing your kids to read every bill he’s voted for that would fully deregulate carbon emissions.

Call now to reserve your own RJRA! Our operators are standing by.

Please call now, otherwise Ron Johnson will make us recite all the Yellow Pages from the Reagan years.

Disclaimer: Ron Johnson will not read anything aloud himself during your Ron Johnson Read-Aloud experience. We don’t know what gave you that idea.

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I Am Your Bachelor, and I Am Also Running to Be Your Governor https://www.ygggy.com/articles/i-am-your-bachelor-and-i-am-running-to-be-your-governor Mon, 01 Mar 2021 13:00:00 +0000 https://www.ygggy.com/?p=82115 Greetings fellow Ohioans!

You probably know me as ABC's The Bachelor: Braeden McCormick, former cruise ship captain (ceremonial), proud American, and hopeless romantic. But today, I'm not addressing you in my capacity as Bachelor, but as a patriot, Ohioan, and candidate for Governor.

I know this announcement might come as a surprise to many. In fact, people have asked me, “Braeden, how will you possibly balance the immense responsibilities of being America's 57th Bachelor with running for the highest office in the great state of Ohio?” And my answer is simple: I will follow my heart. Also, filming wraps in four weeks, and although I have signed on to compete on Dancing with the Stars, I should be fully available to be Governor by mid-October, depending on whether I take home the Mirrorball Trophy, which I fully intend to do!

In any case: by November at the very latest, I will definitely be free to be the next Governor of the Buckeye State.

People have asked me, “Braeden, you've done so much in your life already: high-school quarterback, sea captain/shore excursions manager, and now Bachelor: what made you want to add Governor to your long list of accomplishments?” It's a good question, and I'll be honest: when I started my journey as Bachelor four weeks ago, I had no idea what a momentous responsibility it would turn out to be. I have felt the weight of our country's hopes and dreams on my shoulders as I've navigated getting to know forty-two amazing women, and it hasn't always been easy.

But as I have embarked on my journey as Bachelor, I've realized two things: one, I am so ready to meet my wife, and two, the government has no place in our pocketbooks, our gun cabinets, or our bedrooms.

Over the past four weeks, I've had a lot of time to think about what really matters to me. What I've realized is that I want a partner who can keep up with my active lifestyle (she has to love water-skiing; that's a deal-breaker!), who fears God, and who hates government interference in citizens' private affairs. It's not the government's business if a man wants to date, say, a llama. This is, of course, merely an example and is by no means one of my fantasies, but as Governor, I will stand up for all Ohioans. I know there are so many of you across our great state who work hard, pay your taxes, and simply want the Constitutional freedom to be left alone to explore your romantic options with members of the Camelidae family or maybe even other ungulates; I don't know, that's your business!

The other day, as I was being filmed soaping up in the shower, I had a couple of powerful realizations. First, I realized that I might be falling for Madison S. As a thirty-two-year-old man who has never been in love before, admitting to myself that I am, indeed, falling for a human woman was a real moment of vulnerability for me. I am so excited to see where this journey takes me! Second, I realized that I have a calling—a responsibility, in fact—to use my platform as Bachelor to fight for the rights of ordinary Ohioans, just like me.

Look, I know where I come from: a place where people go to work, say their prayers, eat their Wheaties, and don't want Big Brother telling them that it's not appropriate to mouth-kiss a vicuna. Again, this is merely an example of the types of everyday concerns that many Ohioans (although definitely not me) share.

People tell me all the time, “Braeden, I just want to be able to provide for my family. I want to be free to own my own home, choose my kids' school, and worship how I see fit. And, above all, I want to have the freedom to enter into a romantic relationship with whatever type of hoofed pack animal that I may so choose.” I want to tell you this, Ohioans: I hear you, loud and clear. Which is why I'm running on a three-pronged platform: I will protect our Second Amendment Rights, decriminalize interspecies relationships, and invest in critical infrastructure. As my grandfather always said, it's hard to argue with common sense.

Vote for Braeden McCormick in November (assuming that I am, in fact, done with Dancing with the Stars by then, which I definitely should be).

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Heather Ossoff’s Son Just Got Elected to the Senate—Maybe You Should Give Him a Call Some Time, Honey! https://www.ygggy.com/articles/heather-ossoffs-son-just-got-elected-to-the-senatemaybe-you-should-give-him-a-call-some-time-honey Fri, 26 Feb 2021 13:00:46 +0000 https://www.ygggy.com/?p=82322 Sweetie, you’ll never guess who came to mahjong today. Heather Ossoff! Yes, you know, she used to be on the PTA with me when you were in middle school. She’s a very nice woman, and she’s kept in such good shape—I don’t know why we didn’t stay in touch. Well, she asked about you! I said you’re doing great, living at home with us for a little bit, but we’re having so much fun.

Well apparently, her son Jon just got elected to the Senate! Oh, you remember Jon, he was a senior when you were a freshman. I remember he gave a very nice speech at the open house night. Such a nice boy. And actually, you two were in camp together that one summer, and none of you liked him because he peed his pants and all the water in the pool turned blue? Do you remember that? Well, I always thought he was a very sweet boy. And I remember a lot of the other boys at the camp were very nasty to him, but you and your brother were nicer, and Heather told me at the time that meant a lot to both of them.

Well here’s the big news about Jon: Heather says that he’s single. Now, I know how you feel about your mother giving you tips, but honey: he has a lifetime salary and great health insurance. And he’s on that app you like. Tick tack. Plus, DC? Very glamorous. Like Scandal! Honey, you love Scandal. Oh wait that’s right. I love Scandal. Kerry Washington—Very pretty.

Yes, well Heather says that he won a Senate race against Shelly Perdue’s ex-husband David. Oh, you know David. He came to Secret Santa ten years ago and thought no one would notice that he didn’t bring a present.

What? You have a boyfriend? Oh, please, honey. You really think that I’m going to fall for that? You’ve been saying it for the last five years. Yeah, “Michael Michael Michael.” Well then why haven’t I met him yet? What’s he look like? That’s what I thought.

I’m just saying, what harm is there in just calling? Just give him a ring, and ask him if he’d like to have lunch. I’ve never met a man who’s too busy for a pretty girl. You know, when your father courted me, he showed up at my office every day until I agreed to go on a date with him. It was very romantic. You could drive up to DC and just knock on his office door. I can get the directions from his mother and write them out on an old map. What? Just pretend you got lost! What do you mean you can’t just walk into the capitol right now? What? Really? Oy vey.

Well look, if you don’t want to date him, that’s your business. But there are other reasons it could be good to reach out. Do I have to spell this out for you? You’re between jobs right now, and we LOVE having you here, but maybe you could ask Jon if the Senate is hiring! I think you might do well there. You’re a very good public speaker when you don’t get nervous. Do you remember in the fourth grade when you acted in Peter Pan? Yes yes! You played the dog! That was a very good first half. And honey, these Senate jobs are very sought after. I know David was committing all kinds of crimes trying to keep his! And if he can’t get you a job as a senator, maybe he could start you off on something a little more modest. You could be the guy who sorts Bernie Sanders' mail! Now there’s a mensch. And what a tookus too! I swear—that Jane Sanders is one lucky shiksa!

Sweetheart, the point is, nothing good is going to happen if you don’t put yourself out there! You have to take a chance—it’s just like Peter Pan! When you tried out for the lead role, you didn’t know what was going to happen! But you took the chance anyway. Jon sounds like he’s grown into a very decent young man, and on Facebook he looks very handsome. But you know what, what do I care! It’s fine! Ignore me, your poor mother. I don’t even want any grandchildren anyway. What would I even do with them? Burn the family tree to the ground! Great! You know what—I’m ashamed I even asked. Silly me for thinking you could fall in love with a nice young Jewish man, who also happens to be a Senator with his whole career in front of him.

Wait hold on, so you’re telling me you have no interest in dating him or in becoming a senator? Really? Well, okay then. No, it’s alright, it’s alright. There’s no use talking about it anymore anyway. Huh? Because I showed his mother your Facebook and you two are going on a virtual date tonight at six.

Please wear something nice.

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Let Me Help You with That “Epoch Times” Crossword https://www.ygggy.com/articles/let-me-help-you-with-that-epoch-times-crossword Thu, 18 Feb 2021 18:00:00 +0000 https://www.ygggy.com/?p=81887 Damn, is this plane ever gonna take off? Cuomo probably shut the runway down as another publicity stunt, amirite? Well, lucky for you it looks like someone left an Epoch Times in your seat pocket. It’s the only real newspaper these days, outside of maybe Newsmax and the 8kun printouts my nephew leaves out at his bait shop. You’re telling me you’ve never had an Epoch ad come up before you watch a YouTube video? Huh, I guess you’ve never online shopped for a camouflage beard trimmer. Let me scoot over to this empty seat next to you so I can give you a hand with this.

Let’s start with an easy one…. ah, 3-down: “Leader of the cult kidnapping our children and poisoning our liberties.” “Obama.” Boom, we got one on the board. What’s that? Doesn’t work? Hmmm…it could be “Soros”–sometimes they say he’s the leader. Still no? Must be “Clinton.” No? Try “Hillary.” “Killary.” “Schillary.” “Chrissy Teigen.” You know what, let’s skip it. There are too many possible facts for that one.

Ok, ok… 7-across: “Responsible for the January 6th breach of the US Capitol.” Now, this is tricky because it depends on when the puzzle was written. At first, it was “righteous patriots,” then it was “covert antifa,” and now I think they’re saying there wasn’t much of a breach in the first place. Does “false flag” fit?

Sounds like you’re mumbling something under your breath. Why don’t you take off your mask so I can hear you better? I don't mind; I don't even have one! But don't worry I've been vaccinated, metaphorically speaking. I take silver supplements like Alex Jones.

22-across: “America’s greatest threat.” Wow, so many to choose from. “Islam” or “Space Laser.” And sometimes with these, they’re just looking for a skin color. Oh, I know–try “Pence!” Hmmm… actually, we might want to use that for 56-down: “Faithful servant.” Could go either way, like those gender-neutral bathrooms. Hey, does that fit?

31-down: “Award-winning actor Kevin __.” Gotta be “Sorbo,” right? Well, no he hasn’t won any of the Hollywood awards, but I’m pretty sure he walked away with the golden tactical binoculars at least year’s Freedom Choice Awards. Could be “Kevin McCarthy,” he is acting like Trump won so I think he deserves an award for that.

42-down: “Famous spy,” five letters. Yeah, see, “Bond” doesn’t fit, does it? They’re looking for “Obama.” Why?! Son, do yourself a favor and google “Crossfire Hurricane” on Facebook.

Oh, are you turning toward the window for better light? Let me get my pocket butane torch out of my cargo shorts. Yeah, if you tell TSA it’s for your diabetes medication, they’ll let you do about anything.

Let’s keep rollin’. Oooh, 12-across: “We all live under this.” “Freedom,” baby! Hell ya! Hmmm… unless it’s “oppression.” I hear that a lot too. Shoot, it could even be “Sharia Law” now that I think about it. See what fits. Sometimes I write two letters in one box if I have to.

63-across: “Leader of the Communist Party.” That’s obviously “Obama,” and you can use that “a” for 52-down: “Mastermind of 2015 Paris terrorist attack.” I know there are a lot of potential answers here, but what they’re looking for is “Obama.” And then on 72-down: “44th President of the United States” it’s—no, not “Obama.” The paper doesn’t recognize him as constitutionally legitimate so they consider Trump the 44th and 45th president.

Oh, you’re putting in your Airpods–smart. I like to focus too. Maybe listen to some Toby Keith, the Presidential Medal of Freedom winner. It’s sort of like the Heisman for patriotism. You wanna give me a bud so we can lock in together? No? That’s fine I’ll just sing it under my breath: we'll put a boot in yer ass… I can't wear boots on account of my compression socks and planters fasciitis, but if I could I would definitely put boots in asses.

81-down: “Virus that ravaged the world in 2020.” No, there're only three letters there so it’s not COVID. They want the proper scientific name, “CCP.” You know, Chinese Communist Party. Damn, you really didn’t know that? What are they teaching outside of home schools these days? Or it could be a different kind of virus: “AOC.” Or maybe “HBL.” Are you serious?! It stands for Hunter Biden’s Laptop. Wow, read a thread sometime.

Hey, you look uncomfortable. Is my concealed carry digging into you? Wow, buddy, you’re reaching for that stewardess button like it’s giving out James Woods autographs. Relax, this isn’t meant for you… unless you’re a crisis actor? If you are, you have to tell me.

Ok, let’s rattle off some quick ones here. 37 across: “Obama.” 28 across; “Obama.” Let’s see, this one’s “Obama.” That’s “Obama.” “Obama.” “Obama.” “Mugsy Bouges.” That’s not a political question, that dude was just good.

I think you’re getting the hang of this, so why don’t you try some without me because I’m getting escorted off the plane. Guess that explains the takeoff delay. I’ll tell ya, you take two little dumps in Pelosi’s office and suddenly you don’t have liberty? So much for Biden’s unity, am I right? Hey, do me a favor and look in the classifieds to see if Guiliani still has his ad for pardons.

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List: The Driving Habits, Beliefs, and Politics of People Who Own Teslas https://www.ygggy.com/lists/the-driving-habits-beliefs-and-politics-of-people-who-own-teslas Mon, 15 Feb 2021 15:31:52 +0000 https://www.ygggy.com/?p=81777 Colt flashes the headlights of his performance Model Y at slower vehicles and bestows upon them his leather-gloved middle finger when he silently cruises by. He believes in extreme federalism and that if your aging rattletrap can’t keep up, then you should work harder and buy a vehicle that can.
Politics: Libertarian

Remedy bought her standard-range Model 3 after HBO picked up her first documentary, “The UBI is Not a UTI.” While she believes that healthcare is a universal right, she understands that driving a Tesla is an uncommon privilege and so is careful to yield at 4-way stop signs and honk encouragement at organized protests.
Politics: Progressive

Hans removed the license plates from his Model S with Arachnid wheels so that he can blow through stoplights, toll booths, and restricted zones without being identified. Though he believes in strict enforcement of all driving laws and regulations, he sanctions an exception for himself because he is a really good driver.
Politics: Fascist

Piper never exceeds the speed limit in her seven-seat Model X, despite the flashing lights and rude gestures from other drivers (see Colt above). She believes that the fast lane is further demonstration of a patriarchal society that permits wealthy men to arrive at their destination sooner.
Politics: Woke Liberal

Hunter has a bumper sticker of the Confederate flag on his otherwise pristine long-range Model 3. He believes that the guitar solo is the highest form of art and that the Mexicans, Guatemalans, and Syrian refugees overcrowding our American freeways are the cause of road rage and not his so-called “anger management issues.”
Politics: Nativist

Arlo inherited his deep blue metallic Model S from his late uncle more than a year ago and has not washed it since. He believes that driving in his bare feet enables a superior human-mechanical connection that is lacking in post-modern society and would pick up hitchhikers if they weren’t all serial killers.
Politics: Nondoctrinaire Hippie

Raquel bought her dual-motor all-wheel drive Model Y with the money she made as a risk-taker, job creator and thought leader for a leading brand of performance-enhancing energy bars. She believes that federal highways will eventually be privatized and is currently eyeing for herself a half-mile stretch between Los Angeles and Las Vegas.
Politics: Conservative

Wilson bought his long-range Model X because Tesla offers stock options and grants to all of its employees. He believes that a massive infrastructure project is required to fix our ailing roads and has not had sex since he rounded a sharp turn and spilled a scalding dark roast from Starbucks on his crotch.
Politics: Socialist

Xena races her uninsured and unregistered Model S Plaid+ in the HOV lane, knowing that she can outrun any police car or helicopter, if it came to that. Though she believes driving can potentially be dangerous and grudgingly appreciates the order and efficiency of lined parking lots, she parks diagonally in the middle of two open spaces.
Politics: Anarchist

Ricky drives his all-white Model Y anywhere he wants but will obey instructions from peace officers if they are reasonable and constitutional. He does not believe what you think he believes no matter what you think because you don’t know him and sometimes drives slowly in the middle of two lanes just to piss people off.
Politics: Alt-Right

Isla drives her Model 3 with walnut décor as little as possible but sometimes has to because of the insane lack of public transportation in this country. She believes that roads should transform the kinetic energy of vehicles into electricity and writes inappropriate emails to David Attenborough from four separate accounts.
Politics: Green

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List: Cuomo’s COVID-Safe Reopening Plan Expanded to All 2021 State-Recognized Holidays https://www.ygggy.com/lists/cuomos-covid-safe-reopening-plan-expanded-to-all-2021-state-recognized-holidays Fri, 12 Feb 2021 19:31:55 +0000 https://www.ygggy.com/?p=81792 New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has announced that, effective immediately, all state-recognized occasions will be celebrated with the cancellation of a critical public health measure or, at the very least, an invitation to engage in previously discouraged high-risk behavior.

February 14 — Valentine’s Day: Restaurants across the five boroughs will reopen, allowing couples to share their love and airborne virus particles. (Now available two days early!)

March 5 — Employee Appreciation Day: All employers must invite staff working from home to mandatory, in-office thank-you parties.

March 14 — Daylight Savings Time Begins: Department of Health to change recommended quarantine period to 14 days, minus one hour.

March 28 — Passover: All New Yorkers will be liberated from the slavery of social distancing protocols and encouraged to attend mass seders.

April 1 — April Fools' Day: 100% of City residents will be immunized: just kidding!

April 1 — Maudy Thursday: All Empire Staters may extend beyond their “bubble” for an evening meal to be called “The Last Supper.”

April 2 — Good Friday: No one will be crucified for not singing “Happy Birthday” while washing their hands.

April 4 — Easter: Earlier guidance that masks are unnecessary will be resurrected.

April 6 — National Library Workers Day: All borrowed texts relating to science, medicine, or rational thought must be returned, regardless of due date.

April 13 — Ramadan Begins: Residents may visit a non-contiguous state between sunset and sunrise while abstaining from mandatory testing and/or quarantining requirements.

April 15 — Tax Day: Special deductions will be extended to non-essential workers who purchased and continue to hoard large amounts of hospital-grade PPE.

April 22 — Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day: Parents will be granted a one-time stimulus payment for exposing themselves and their offspring to stagnant office air and careless millennial co-workers.

May 5 — Cinco de Mayo: IVs previously containing live-saving antivirals and convalescent plasmas will be replaced with frozen margaritas.

May 9 — Mother’s Day: All New Yorkers will be required to have brunch indoors with the woman who gave them life, even if it means the end of hers.

June 6 — D-Day: (To be rebranded “Diagnosis Day”) All new cases will receive a gift card to be used at any indoor restaurant featuring regular karaoke nights.

June 20 — Father’s Day/June Solstice Day: Free one-day MetroCards will be extended to residents who spend the longest day of the year watching long stretches of home videos on the couch with their elderly dad.

July 4 — Independence Day: New Yorkers will finally be free to do whatever dumb shit they want, especially since the English have clearly done even dumber shit.

August 2 — Senior Citizens Day: Matilda Cuomo, the governor’s 89-year-old mother, will host a party for all nursing home residents and staff who continue to refuse the vaccine, with a special mystery guest appearance (Spoiler Alert: it will be a maskless Garth Brooks!).

September 6 — Labor Day: Unionized New York teachers will be excused from pesky bi-weekly testing requirements once school begins.

September 15 — Yom Kippur Begins: No atonement will be necessary for merchants peddling fake hand sanitizer.

October 11 — Columbus Day: Positive individuals who have recently come to NYC to conquer the world will be permitted to infect native New Yorkers, especially those with virgin immune systems most susceptible to fatal diseases.

October 31 — Halloween: No masks of any kind will be permitted, with the exception of masks depicting a maskless Donald Trump.

November 25 — Thanksgiving: Turkey bones may be used to wish away the consequences of going to the gym, especially after 10 p.m.

December 1 — Rosa Parks Day: Dry coughers will be given priority seating at the front of the bus.

December 17 — Wright Brothers Day: All inbound international flights into JFK will resume, with priority access given to South African, Brazilian and British “carriers.”

December 25 — Christmas: Any woman with documented proof she was impregnated by god (not “a god”) while she was dating a guy named Joseph (not Joey) will get free tickets to a Christmas Day Knicks-Nets game.

January 1 — New Years Day: Mr. Cuomo will host a celebration on Liberty Island, where he will bid farewell to 2021 with a slightly revised and less sentimental version of “Auld Lang Syne,” beginning “Should old acquaintances be forgot? Probably, yeah.”

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List: Tenant Security Deposit Deductions for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue https://www.ygggy.com/lists/tenant-security-deposit-deductions-for-1600-pennsylvania-avenue Mon, 25 Jan 2021 15:30:59 +0000 https://www.ygggy.com/?p=81133 Dear Tenant,

Upon inspecting the vacated property at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Unit 1A, the People of the United States of America (landlord) compiled the below list of itemized damages and deducted the full amount from your security deposit.

Item Removal Charges

  • Shoebox of self-signed pardons for all spelling variations of tenant's name found hot-glued to Resolute desk. Desk separately vandalized in search of nonexistent National Treasure clue.
  • Direct phone line into the ear of every violent conspiracy theorist and white supremacist in America; long-range vuvuzela into the ear of every nail-gnawing liberal.
  • Small Ukranian child with boom microphone in the Situation Room.
  • Stack of VHS tapes containing oaths of fealty from three Federalist Society cronies appointed to the highest court in the land, most confirmed in acts of blatant hypocrisy. Recorded over births of tenant's children.
  • 660 million expired, room temperature vaccine doses. Attached note: “SEND BACK. Already had virus!”

Wall Repair

  • Man-sized pneumatic tube transportation system from Blue Room to Kremlin foyer. Approximately 5,500 miles caulked.
  • Spackling of several hundred distinct peepholes into restrooms presumably drilled by numerous alleged sexual predators traveling through and residing on property.
  • Massive wall safe in Oval Office containing caged parents of 545 migrant children. Cost includes patching of hole and record-setting DoorDash order.

Cleaning Expenses

  • Kitchen refrigerator full of white lies molding into unstoppable force of disinformation on months-old McDonald's burgers. Or it might not be a burger—the truth is unrecognizable.
  • Ventilation of potentially deadly air of desperation. Includes hazard pay for cleaners risking inhalation of contagious racism and reactionary anger born of privilege and insecurity.
  • Five tons of sage burnt throughout property for precautionary cleansing. As ground zero of the incompetence leading to over 400,000 untimely American deaths, residence was deemed at risk of long-term haunting.

In addition to forfeiting the entire security deposit amount for the above damages and cleaning expenses, you must return the following stolen property to the People’s House:

  • America’s international reputation
  • America’s self-image
  • Faith in public institutions
  • Social trust
  • Civil discourse
  • Belief in democracy
  • Justice
  • Truth

Items not returned will be billed to you and rebuilt by new tenants.

Regards,
The People of the United States of America

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